Whoever She Is

im debating wether or not i want to go down stairs and get food im hungry ive been really hungry latly but not doing any exercise and im afraid imma gain like 100 pounds.....

had a weird dream involving john from the maine, smiley faces and braces like for joints not teeth.... so anyway i couldnt get it out of my head and wrote bad poetry!
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i cant control my dreams or my wandering thaughts
so an you tell me
why do they always go to you?

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i dont know you
or your face
i never think of you during the day
yet i can taste your lips in my dreams

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i can see the fading face you drew on my hand
i can smell you on my sheets still
but i can no longer hear you whispering
"i love you" in my ear

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the tape holding up our picture cracked and broke today
our smiling faces fell to the ground
your studdering, stuck words hit my ears today
shattering my heart
i think i lost a couple of pieces.

not only for being awsomly cool but im now in love with Gaslight Anthem theyre really good! go check em out!

i get to see Set It Off on Feb 5th im really excited to see them on their first tour imma buy at least two shirts and the EP maybe all buy all three shirts... shh... dont tell my mom i want all three..... 

more bad poetry!

back to life
back to rules
back in a hard plastic chair
back to friends
back to eleven hour days
back to reality
back to sleepless nights
back to school
vacation was fun while it last
a short dose of mind numbing-ness
now over.

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eyes closed daydreaming
of what could be
of what i could do

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please put it down
know your ok, Lesley
dont make my mistake
Lesley, just know im here
turn to me, not my mistakes
open your eyes
clear your mind
do you see the people?
do you hear them?
they're singing for you
( i wrote this for a friend, i changed the name that was the first one that came to mind)

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we are all in this game on a pursuit to find happiness
a search,
to leave,
to love,
to be loved,
to be free.

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when we grow up and mature we are actually just suppressing an inner five year old.
but when we are alone in a room being  the mature person we've become
can we still act five? or did you kill you inner child?
revive it. imagine. hope. dream. live.

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My knees jerk
mt muscles twitch
but my brain stops them and i slowly walk away

and this seems to be a good place to do so... so Kaity (prettyinpunk27) posted a journal (http://prettyinpunk27.buzznet.com/user/journal/3666451/all-time-low-much-more/) and i read it and connected and desided i needed to post a similar one, so to the 2 maybe three of you that read this here you go....
im not gonna write about God, because you will all end up hating me and my skewed fucked up views. im not gonna tell you that one band saved me but i will tell you this, music very well may have. so rewind to a small 3rd or fourth grade girl (sorry dont remeber exactly) in a mini van around twilight listening to "Welcome To My Life" on sirius hits one (right after they launched..... wow this is scary how well i remeber this i even remeber what stop light i was at....) and this girl always likes listenign to music but never really listened...... but now singing along to the radio something clicks, she goes home downloads the song and starts to listen to the lyrics of songs more closly now.
you have to understand this girl is a person who was having daily fights with her mom since kindergarden, has devorced parent (a brutal devorce i still remember way to clearly, and still get night mares from, i was 3 when my dad moved out and i still remeber them fighting and my sister trying to distract me in my room, not memories i want to have) this girl has a step dad that she fights with alot and a sister the is her sister, her mother and her bestfriend just got a new boy friend and no onger pays attention to her when she hears this song. this third grader crys herslef to sleep at night, the kids at school pick on her, she doesnt get along with teachers and only has one friend.

now we fast forward to this same girl in eighth grade, her sister now has moved out, and she is alone, still fights with her parent still has noghtmares and at this point has spent weeks at freinds houses to avoid her parents.sher gets in a fight at school during PE and breaks a kids arm the week before thanksgiving and is suspended for a week during this week she surfs myspace finding all this music but this music isnt as little as she thinks most bands are pretty big compared to what i listen to now. but she starts connecting with more and more music. she stops listenign to top 40 radio and turns on the Alternative station now in ninth grade her new friend plays her a song the day before winter break the song is about a guy who would do anythign for his girlfriend hed even "swim the ocean for [her] the ocean for [her] whao-oh-oh Kelsey" yep Kelsey by metro station that girl spends all winter break looking at this band "Metro Station" and all these other tiny bands she finds by winter break tenth grade year she only wears band shirts and skinny jeans

so when people ask me when i got into music i tell them i always have been, third grade was one level, eighth grade anouther and ninth a new one but the summer before tenth (this laast summer) was a new one yet again, i got friends who shared the passion i have. i said i wasnt going to talk about god but since i was inspired but Kaity im going to a little bit because i can remeber being in fifth grade and during the Amedah (silent prayer/most personal blah blah blah look it up if you really care) asking for friend that understood me, the same way kaity found ATL and they showed her she wasnt alone i wanted the same thing and i found it i found it in two crazies i call my best friends and i found it in the music i listen to the lyrics that speak to me. so in a way my prayer was also answered. i am never alone if im in a box with no human contact i am not alone anymore! i have Alex William Gaskarth's voice to tell me that "your cheap shots wont be able to break bones" of Mason Tyler Musso to tell me that hed "swim the ocean" i have John Cournilliouse O'Callaghan the fifth to tell me that "one things for sure you dont have to worry"and i have Jean Paul Maklouph tellign to "throw your hands in the sky like your flying" when im having a bad day. so fine you can put me down its nothing i havnt been told i spent nine years getting bullied at school and screamed at at home i found my peace i have now spent a year and a half happy and confedent throught the word coming out of my iPod.

that is way longer then i expected..........

please dont fight my demons,
you cant win you wont win
they will always be there haunting you
creeping in you minds shadow

put that blade down
wipe away the tunnel vision
look around
see the people with my mission.

we want to help you
to make you smile again
to hear your laugh pick up my clue!
to be nothing more then a friend.

thats all you need trust me
you need a friend,
exceot my hand,
let me help you up,
rescue you before you fallow my path
it leads to a dark abyss.
an abyss for which you will never return.
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ok so we all know i have a friend going through a hard time this is for here and new update on she is rainey days..... on my mibba in 5 minutes! promise!

so with all this crazy shit going on, like possibly having to pay rent to live at home, with no job and no time to get one, being a full  time high school student and playing 3 sports and doing religious school.and finding out my friend is repeating my biggest mistake ever (you know who you are and you know im here for you!) oh and possibly going to court to get custodial settled out, cause lets face it, im not going back to my dads house. so more lame poetry for you!!!!

take a second, listen, dont just hear.
the noise flowing from my room,
the sound spillign from my speakers,
it will tell you more then i ever will.
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3,000 miles is a gap that was closed but 5 feet of walking.
the same with a 2,000 and a 6, 000.
so why is a 10 mile gap so hard to bridge?
why is the geographicly closest the emotionally furthest.
(the people that are 3,000 and 2,000 miles away happen to be my bestfriends....)
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as i write words you'll never read i secretly hope youll hear them, i pray you never give up just that you stop being so close, that you loosen the leash thats all you had to do but you shorten the leash so i broke it. you caused this. so stop pretending to be Mr. Perfect, stop blaming others and face the music, your alone, face reality you, Mr. Perfect, you care the one that fucked up.
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the voice of a person youve never met can be mire soothing then on of your closest friend.
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numbers and symbols are what i see now
i was forced to leave you i didnt want to
i just want to help you
but i cant, not from here,
where in the same place
i cant help you untill i help me
tell me, the other side of these walls,
past these demons,
what does it look like?
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nice to know im just a stereotype to you
just anouth smudge on your clean sheet
go ahead, erase me,
i gave you a chance, you abused it
im gone, you win.
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failure to comunicate leads to the failure of a relationship,
but we did it backwards
the failure of our relationship lead to our failure to comunicate.
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when i look i dont see you
i see where you used to be
looking for the protection that was once there
its gone
the shelter has been destroyed
stripped to its bare core
i look and all i see are stars
they shine so bright, too bright
it makes me want to be with you
your smile would dim every star
but your gone
you left for something better, to be better
for that i can only respect you
even if it means the pain im feeling
(i wrote this along time ago and just found it)
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i remeber when you held me
but i can no longer feel your arms
tomights espesially cold but ill see yuo soon
thats enough to keep mo warm but youve changed
your diffrent
your not the person i left or i rememeber
the one i love... i loved
(anouther old one)
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thats all for now, i have more but not gonna post em now, feed back would own!

time to let you in on a secret.... i write! not fan fic or blogs but like weird poetic shit and over the last 10 days in israel i wrote alot heres some of it alot of it is just a line or two btw....
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words i have struggled my who life to say flow freely from peoples mouth comfortable with words my mind cant fathom to define.
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a familiar rhythm leading me through unfamiliar places
familiar feelings in a foreign land
home, in a place ive never been before,
all from a farmiliar rythem
(not about music believ it or not!)
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but a plastic smile onlt lasts so for so long before it breaks and once it cracks the secrets it conceals will trickle and flood out then you come and save me from telling my deepest secret
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solitude was never so inviting
alone never felt so much like home
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i threw your key into the ocean not to prove to you im done
you wouldn't believe me anyway,
not to prove to the world i was doen with you,
they don't care,
but to prove to me that im done,
because as much as i want to be done with you,
im not sure i could survive with out you,
and i know for sure i wouldn't be me with out you
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call me if you need me im going to my world,
where this will all start to make scence.....
maybe
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if i could find a cliff leading to a dark abis,
i wouldn't jump,
i would yell,
but not for help,
the things i would yell,
would shock you,
scare you.
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realization of the enevidable is in fact,
enevidable
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all 100% from my head, i wrote these in my comp book then typed them up hear.... so sides from the super emo=ness what do  you think? be hinest if it sucks i want to know i would rather that the BS!

leaving for the airport in 40 minutes... im really sad to leave all my friends and to be honest i dont want to go back to LA.... back to drama and shit o dont wanna deal with! eww! oh well not much i can do about it now, this was a great trip i learned alot about myself and what is really inportant to me and why it is... i have a huge blog ready to be posted on myspace and maybe here too when i get home. hope to talk to you guys later!!!!